When my whole world is turning, you are the one who can keep me still

Lyrics: Korpiklaani – Under the Sun

When all around is burning,
You are the flame, you are the sun
You’ll burn your way to a secret place
To a place where you can breath

When all around is drowning
You are the one who can fish me up,
The drowning man, out of the lake,
The only one I let to do it

You are the one
(I just want to fly..)
You are the one
(I just want to rise..)
You are the one
(I just want to see..)
You are the one
(Under the sun..)
You are the one..

When my whole world is turning
You are the one who keeps me still
You are someone I can lean on
When my own feet are too weak

Mindless flow of stealing emotions and endless time

So well, what now? What is there to tell? I can start by explaining my lack of posting, with one reason: “I have nothing exiting to tell”. Actually I feel my life passing by, withouth doing anything at all, and I have recently described it as not having anything in my life in control, but my facebook profile, which actually is, rather true. Oh well.. My beginning alcoholism is pretty much in control as well, and I actually considered naming this post “the liver is evil and must be punished” sadly, I have more to tell than the stories about my recent week of drinking and suffering from hangovers. And then I contradicted myself.

This wednesday I’m having my first exam. Chemistry. And only the gods will know how that will work out. You see, I haven’t really spent any time reading yet, which I probably should.. Yea I really should. I’m planning on spending my day at the school tomorrow reading, as I find that a very healthy decision. As you see, I have my next exam at thursday, and the third at friday, and I have read for neither of them yet. But you know. Shit happens. I got drunk.

I really hope to pass physics and chemistry, even though I haven’t really done anything this year, due to laziness and sadness.. You might remember my stress-related depression because of my grandfathers dead, if you’re close enough to me.. But if you don’t, you do now. But if I don’t pass these subjects I have to retake them afterwards, as I need them to get into university.

And feelings, emotions etc? Well, I think I’m in the same emotional rollercoaster as always. But at the moment I’m very easy to touch. I’ve recently read the first two books in the twilight saga, and I have to admit that the same feelings Bella felt, I’ve been feeling. It’s kinda annoying that I don’t seem to distinguish reality and fiction.. I’ll just blame my grandfather as always. That’s is something my grandmother taught me… Always a usable aopoly… *sigh*.. I miss him now, more than ever, and that is neither an apology nor a lie.

And again, I will, tough shortly this time, refer to the retards and morom, who are the only persons to fall in love with me… Though now more rare than ever.

At last! Goodnight folks! With mleancholy I hereby swear to go to bed before sunrise!

Digging

I decided it was time to dig my out beloved favourite song out… I can’t help these feelings

Lyrics: Sonata Arctica – Shy

I can see how you are beautiful, can you feel my eyes on you,
I’m shy and turn my head away
Working late in diner Citylite, I see that you get home alright
Make sure that you can’t see me, hoping you will see me

Sometimes I’m Wondering why you look me and you blink your eye
You can’t be acting like my Dana
I see you in Citylite diner serving all those meals and then
I see reflection of me in your eye, oh please

Talk to me, show some pity
You touch me in many, many ways
But I’m shy can’t you see

Obsessed by you, your looks, well, anyway “I would any day die for you”,
I write on paper & erased away
Still I sit in diner Citylite, drinking coffee and reading lies
Turn my head and I can see you, could that really be you

Sometimes I’m wondering why you look me and you blink your eye
You can’t be acting like my Dana?
I see your beautifull smile and I would like to run away from
Reflections of me in your eyes, oh please

Talk to me, show some pity
You touch me in many, many ways
But I’m shy can’t you see

I see, can’t have you, can’t leave you there ‘cos I must sometimes see you
But I don’t understand how you can keep me in chains
And every waken hour, I feel your taking power From me and I can’t leave
Repeating the scener over again

Sometimes I’m wondering why you look me and you blink your eye
You can’t be acting like my Dana?
I see your beautifull smile and I would like to run away from
Reflections of me in your eyes, oh please

Talk to me, show some pity
You touch me in many, many ways
But I’m shy can’t you see

Numbness?

I can’t describe how I feel. I sincerely can’t. I don’t feel anything. I feel like a zombie wandering around doing absolutely nothing, and still time passes, and I’m having..fun? I met Kilde today, and she found out I started smoking. I haven’t told her, especially not as it’s so long ago I last saw her, and I really miss her!

I can’t really find the center of my life right now, and even though it should be school, I just don’t feel like studying. I just feel like I need to do something different less demanding of me, just for some time, but I think I will miss the challenges I get where I am… Guess I just need to step it up. But well, I really need to find myself.

I have great trouble finding inspiration. I remember back in the old days when I just sat by the computer and started writing. Then suddenly I had something meaningful. I looked at the world with other eyes, and found a subject in everything. Now I’m just afraid of myself and my feelings, and curious about what I can even afford to write?

I really wanna get on with this. I miss my hiding-place and the way I could use this as an emotional pistop. I might still be able to, if I quit whining? xD

Anyway.

I had my last day of school today. I can’t really believe it. It’s so unrealistic. I can’t really find out if it’s because I ditched so much it just feel normal? Whatever. I will step it up – at least, I know my intelligens is the only reason they didn’t kick me out yet.. God, I feel pathetic. Still, I feel comfort in reading atm. I just finish twilight, and in 1 day I read first half of new moon. It’s awesome, and I don’t know how long I can get those books to last. I just want more!

Summer already

So i’m sitting in a bus on my way to school and it suddenly occured to me that it’s summer. Well, on the calendar summer doesn’t start until june, but the weather tells me summer is here. This bus is filthy. The temperature is too hot for my taste and it stinks of old lady’s perfume. Luckily i just got out and into a train. A lot happened since my last update, at it’s way too much to tell now, mainly because i’m lazy and a cellphone isn’t the best blogging on. But can i at least say i’m pretty stressed out? Examinations are here and i feel like i’m having too many examinationprojects i just haven’t started yet. Next week my vacation starts. Or can i even call it vacation. Though i’m off from school i still need to read i damn lot for these 4 exams i have, chemistry the most. Arg, i hate that subject. I can only hope to get i good grade, well i pray i’m passing. But i think this is it for now. Updates on my lovelife will come later, and i might even pass on all the embarrassments, but let’s see. For now, just enjoy the summer.

Elvis lives!

Yesterday I went to a concert with my grandmother and uncle. My grandmother received to tickets for a concert called “the three Elvis” as a birthday present, and she decided to take me and my uncle with her. And it was fantastic. I’ve never been much of an Elvis’fan, but the mood in the hall was amazing, and the best of all was my grandmother! I’ve never seen her, this happy since before my grandfather died, and even before he got ill, and that was at summertime! The show was 3 different Elvis-“look-dance-and-sing”-alikes, representing 3 different periods of Elvis life and career. They performed, sang and danced just like Elvis, and it was just like as if he was there himself! My grandmother has always been a huge fan of Elvis and of course she knew all the songs like the back of her hand. As she told me, she felt just like she was fifteen again, and that was quite a wake-up-call. Well it wasn’t really a wake-up-call but indeed a reminder to live your life while you’re alive and enjoy every single minute before it’s gone!

Dilemma

So, Michael’s visiting me this weekend, and I’m taking him to the HTX party. I really look forward to seeing him as I miss him, and I want him to hold me, kiss me. Then there is René! He asked me to be his galla-date, and that is one thing I look forward to as well, but I don’t hope he’ll be there at the HTX party, cause then he will be seeing Michael and I kiss, I think. And beside that I don’t want to be overromantic at that party because I miss just partying with my friends having a lot of fun! And my class will be there, and Katie will, and Alex and many of the people I love partying casually with! It will be so great! Well, I just have to do it casually. After all René is flirting a little with me, and if he is having a little bit for me, I don’t want to crush this at all, now that I am his galla-date!

But how did I even make him ask me? Well, I am quite clever ^^ We’ve been writing a little since last Wednesday, and at Friday he wrote to me at Facebook. He asked about my hair, because I just dyed it (dark blueish black), and we talked a little. Then I gave him my skype, and we talked more through skype. Then yesterday when he went online I wrote him, and we talked again. Then suddenly I asked him if he still hasn’t got a date for galla, and he didn’t. Well, it’s easier writing the convo.

Jelly: You still don’t have a date for galla?

René: No

Jelly: It is here you ask me if I want to be your date then.

René: So it is ?

Jelly: Yea

Cause, you know I do really wanna go.

But well, you could just say you rather wanna go alone, instead of with me.

Jelly: But I must warn you.

Jelly: Okay?

René: Yea, cause I kinda signed (very high on painkillers) a note saying that I would go with a French braid.

Jelly: Seriously? NIIICE!

René: Jelly?

Jelly: Yes?

René: Do you wanna be my date for galla?

Jelly: I’d love to!

And that is how I made him ask me out ^^ Kinda cute, and I really look forward to it. Especially as there’s salmon for appetizer, and he doesn’t like salmon XD

Guys?

I don’t know if I’m a player or what, but I think I’m messing with a lot of guys at the moment. This Saturday I went to obscene as I use to, and I think I abused my ability to make guys fall in love with me >.< Well, it’s always the wrong guys I make fall in love with me <.< Let’s take this from start to the end. First I made Heavynissen buy me a beer, even though I know he hasn’t got a lot of money. I don’t know if he’s in love with me, but I think he’s intrigued by me, judged by the way he acts with me. Then when Simon arrived I made him buy me a beer, and with him there’s no doubt he has feelings for me. He kept finding me, wanting me to sit on his knee, and then caressing my thighs, though I kindly tried to tell him to stop. Later I made Rolf buy me a beer, but I don’t think he’s in love with me though xD Then I hugged Jimmy later, trying to kiss his cheek, but he kissed me on the lips. And I kissed back. I should probably stop it, as I have no feelings for him at all beside the friendship with him I like! Instead I think I abused him a little. I made sure Simon watched us kiss, and I even made Simon buy us beer, for the money Jimmy had. Then I made sure Rasmus from GUF saw us kiss, and I made him take our picture, so I kinda would be sure Daniel knew that I have gotten over him. I made Jimmy walk me to my train when I had to go home, and today I asked him if he likes me in that way and he does. I don’t know how to tell him that the only feelings I have for him are friendly. And that is my obscene romance.

Beside that I’m kinda flirting a little with René still hoping to make him ask me to be his galla-date. And I like Michael a lot. But the thing is that no matter how much I like Michael it would never happen, because of the distance, and the fact that none of us has any money at all.

Well, I don’t know if I’m a player or what, but I can’t deny the fact that I’m abusing the fact that I’m single and planning on being that for quite a while.

Tempus and obscene!

Today I’m going to some video-thingy in Valby with the Tempus, guys and I’m quite looking forward to it! I won’t be staying for long as I have to meet Mira at valby station about half past 7, and then we’ll be going to obscene! It will be great even though I only have money for the entrance xD

You won’t get an answer if you don’t ask

It’s through with Daniel. The other evening I txt’ed him saying that if he had no intentions to make it serious, then I thought we should stop it. And some more to that, but that doesn’t matter. The following morning he answered saying that he then though we should stop it, as he was sure it would end badly. Of couse it would end badly! It always ends badly! There are no good break-ups and he really must understand that! Well we wrote a little and in the end he didn’t answer, and I hopre we’re fine.. I just don’t want to text him or anything now, as I feel I’ve already wasted enough time on him…even though I wouldn’t mind abusing him a little bit >.< No no no! I’m more worth than that!

I started writing with René again xD A little funny, but now I have his skype I like that!

Today I dyed my hair, and have now said goodbye to the red colour. From now on I’m blueish black And I love it!